Day 13 – NHBPM: Parking Lot Diagnostics 101

Posted: November 17, 2012 in symptoms and diagnostics

WARNING: Some sarcasm below.

How to diagnose someone else’s illnesses in a parking lot without ever going to medical school! Learn here – FREE!!!!

Step 1: Watch carefully as the person exits their car after they have parked in a handicapped parking space.

Step 2: Don’t see them struggling to walk? They are not in a wheelchair or on crutches? Not limping? Not using na oxygen tank? Are they under 60? Approach them boldly.

Step 3: Choose one of the following methods of verbal assault to teach them a lesson about parking in a space they OBVIOUSLY don’t belong in:

a.  Ask them why they are using their mother’s/grandmother’s handicapped parking pass, adding a comment afterwards such as, “you OBVIOUSLY have NOTHING wrong with you.”

b.  Yell, “FAKER! FAKER! FAKER! so as to attract the attention of others nearby, creating the possibility of creating your own personal flash mob.

c.  Afraid of face-to-face confrontation? Wait until the person has gone inside and leave a nasty, scathing note on their car, preferably adding that you have called the police to have their car towed.

d.  Feeling REALLY vindictive? Scratch their car or slash a tire or two! That will surely teach the obviously not-handicapped person never to park in a spot that they obviously do not deserve.

Bonus:  Are you a law enforcement officer? Have you just had the great luck to see someone violate the law by parking in a space they surely don’t have the right to do? Block their car with your snazzy cruiser and turn on your lights. As above in Step 3, B., you get to attract the attention of others and have them become aware of this person’s blatant disregard for the law and common sense! Using your best “cop voice,” inform them they have just illegally parked in a handicapped parking spot. Accuse them of using a family member’s permit, or even better, accuse them of STEALING some poor handicapped person’s placard.

What should you do if YOU are the handicapped person that is unfortunate enough to NOT appear handicapped to the rest of the world?

1.  Offer to show the nice officer the scars from your multiple back surgeries.

2. Carry a letter from your doctor that details why you have a handicapped placard.

Short of these two options, you are basically at the mercy of those with a degree in Parking Lot Diagnostics. Face the consequences of having an invisible disabling condition. Most that have their degree in Parking Lot Diagnostics won’t even listen to what yo have to say. And never expect an apology from anyone.

NOTE: These are examples of things that happened to me when I had a handicapped placard. These events all happened to me in Massachusetts, where people are also known as “Massholes.”  Gee, I wonder why?



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