HAWMC Day 18: Asking for forgiveness…

Posted: April 19, 2013 in Caregiving, Coping, Medical Conditions
Tags: , , , , ,

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Yeah, I can be a REAL ass when I'm feeling really down about my diminished health status. Unfortunately, having chronic illnesses (yes, more than one) means that I have very few acquaintances. Heck, I don't really have anyone local I can call a "friend." The fact means I have no one to vent all my frustrations to – no best friend's shoulder to cry on, no one to listen to me rant about the crap that people with chronic illnesses rant about: can't find a do that listens or seems to care, losing the life you once had, feeling like an utter and complete useless blob, feeling like an incredible burden to your spouse/significant other.
So, who gets the brunt of my anger, sadness and self-hatred? My wonderful husband.
Even though my anger and hatred isn't direct AT him, it doesn't sound that way to him, and what I say and how I say it REALLY hurts him.
Last night, I learned just HOW MUCH what I say hurts him-deeply: about feeling like a financial and emotional burden; wishing i could just end my life; being a hunk of uselessness; how everything I touch turns to crap (the reverse Midas touch curse"); how ugly I have become…
I honestly didn't realize that what I was saying was reflecting back on his choice to be with me and for standing by me during all of my medical struggles.
I hurt so badly now because of how deeply I've been hurting him.
Tears aren't enough.
Saying "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it.
How do I undo the pain I've unintentionally caused the only reason on the face of this planet that love me?

If I ever find out, I'll let you know.

I love you, K. I hope we with all of my hrart, soul and being that we can learn to work together against these medical miseries, and remember that we are on the same team.

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Comments
  1. […] HAWMC Day 18: Asking for forgiveness… (misdiagnosedme.wordpress.com) […]

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  4. crshore says:

    I’ve nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award! I love your blog and I hope you know you’ve inspired me.

    Thank you Rules:
    *Add The Versatile Blogger award photo on a blog post.
    *Thank the person who presented you with the award and link back to him or her in your post.
    *Share seven things about yourself.
    *Pass the award along to 15 bloggers you have recently discovered.
    *Contact the chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

    • Lori says:

      I thank you so very much for your nomination! I am honored and flattered.
      However, I have searched the entre WEGO site and cannot find the graphic I am supposed to display.
      Also, I do not know what it means to “link back” – just provide a link to the other’s post in mine?
      I will have to work hard to identify others that have inspired me…

      Again – THANK YOU!!

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