I find it quite humorous that the prompts I recommended for this blog challenge the hardest ones for me to write!!
About 80% of the time, I live in the Pit. It’s become a comfortable nest, of sorts. Sometimes, I don’t really want to get out of The Pit. Living life as it supposed to be lived is not possible for me, and no, that NOT a choice. It’s a “prison” sentence, and that prison is my life.
I nap. Or I try to nap. During the day, I possess the ability I lack at night – to clear my brain, quiet the frustrations, and relax into a state of semi-consciousness. Perhaps, this is added by the fact my BP runs incredibly low most days. The beta-blocker I take to calm the chest pain and dypsnea also drops my heart rate to bradycardia levels, and lowers the diastolic of my BP. For some reason, this doesn’t happen at night. It’s as if my brain rages against me and will do anything to keep me from relaxing at night.
I watch a good TV Show – one that gets me absorbed into the story. NCIS, Monday Mornings, Smash, or even a good Top Gear episode.
Anything that makes me laugh makes The Pit much more tolerable. Most of the BadLipReading videos, especially the Michael Buble, “Russian Unicorn” video, or any of the 2012 political ads/debates can almost make me pee my pants.
I play some mindless games on my iPhone as well. Angry Birds, Majohg, Where’s My Perry – anything that engages my brain enough
Unlike a lot of others that have chronic illnesses, I don’t find hope, solace or joy in platitudes, unicorns or fluffy kittens. 30+ years of counseling just taught me how to live in denial – that the “me” that existed just wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, healthy enough or “right” for this world – therapy (and I saw many different therapists due to my frequent moves to different states) just taught me how to pretend to be someone I wasn’t in spite of my experiences and health issues – and has left me even living in an even deeper and MORE convoluted Pit of Despair than years ago. Now, on my own, with the help of the SuperBetter app I referenced in an earlier blog, I’m learning to just be me and stop wearing so many masks and facades, and stop trying to behave as someone i’ve never been.
Until doctors decide that I’m worth their diagnostic efforts so my life will cease being useless (my bad for not fitting into their little diagnostic boxes), i’ll be residing here in my Pit of Despair.