The myriad of health issues I have are now battling for center stage with my failing relationship with my only real-life friend, my husband. OR it is most definitely contributing directly to it.
[But that is another topic in and of itself – one that doesn’t belong in this blog. It just would be REALLY great of my husband, and alleged best friend would understand these things, and want to work on our relationship. But his lackluster responses to my pleas for us to work on this don’t give me much hope, nor reason to be. At times he acts as if nothing is wrong – yet I know deep down that he knows what our relationship has become, aided by my mysterious health issues and consistent issues finding medical care, is not much more than coexistence. BUT – what do you do when your partner in life doesn’t make the effort to try to improve your relationship? Ouch.]
These health issues stole my career paths and any options I had within my fields of expertise. I tried for years to do something from home – to use my skills and experience to help others – for free.. But, no one wanted my help – this devalued what I had made of myself, who I was, what I had accomplished, and what I thought I could do that would be meaningful.
Every day, I never know what symptom or issues will pay me a visit and hang out to make me question the validity of my existence.
Ahhh, and how these things – I mean things that used to annoy me, or cause me psychic discomfort – have changed me. I have lost myself. My raison d’être, my sunshine, is disappearing. The sun is going down – on my life.
For 40 years, things that got in my way were motivating to me. They made me fight, they made me strong,
Now, these things paralyze me.
I often will just plop down on the floor where ever I am when these feelings hit me, and just stare at a fixed point. (It is a grounding technique – in more than one way. Ha Ha.)
No longer can I throw myself into a project, a creative endeavor, a research topic. I find that these distraction techniques/coping mechanisms just increase my physical symptoms. And of course, these involuntary reactions just increase my doubts about my ability to survive this predicament.
What I need now is the me from 5 years ago – before I lost my self to this hell. But alas, she is gone. Yup – thrown in the thrash, compacted and burned. A deep “thanks” to all of you – you know who your are – all of you so-called patient advocacy groups that made promises that I could write for your website/journal, all of those false friends that hurled criticisms at me, and all of you “health care providers” that violated that basics of that all important Hippocratic Oath by failing to treat me as a human being – you all helped do this to me.
One person can only fight for so long – alone – before all these things take their toll.
“He who has a why can hear with almost any how.”
so goes the famous Nietzsche quote.
I have lost my WHY.
And that makes it hard to find that HOW.