Yeah, I can be a REAL ass when I'm feeling really down about my diminished health status. Unfortunately, having chronic illnesses (yes, more than one) means that I have very few acquaintances. Heck, I don't really have anyone local I can call a "friend." The fact means I have no one to vent all my frustrations to – no best friend's shoulder to cry on, no one to listen to me rant about the crap that people with chronic illnesses rant about: can't find a do that listens or seems to care, losing the life you once had, feeling like an utter and complete useless blob, feeling like an incredible burden to your spouse/significant other.
So, who gets the brunt of my anger, sadness and self-hatred? My wonderful husband.
Even though my anger and hatred isn't direct AT him, it doesn't sound that way to him, and what I say and how I say it REALLY hurts him.
Last night, I learned just HOW MUCH what I say hurts him-deeply: about feeling like a financial and emotional burden; wishing i could just end my life; being a hunk of uselessness; how everything I touch turns to crap (the reverse Midas touch curse"); how ugly I have become…
I honestly didn't realize that what I was saying was reflecting back on his choice to be with me and for standing by me during all of my medical struggles.
I hurt so badly now because of how deeply I've been hurting him.
Tears aren't enough.
Saying "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it.
How do I undo the pain I've unintentionally caused the only reason on the face of this planet that love me?
If I ever find out, I'll let you know.
I love you, K. I hope we with all of my hrart, soul and being that we can learn to work together against these medical miseries, and remember that we are on the same team.